Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Maniacally rubbing my kitchen counters

I cleaned and organized the kitchen yesterday in a fit of pique. So I am hoping I can channel the cleanliness into bathrooms and bedrooms today, which is a wonderful plan, since mom in law and dad in law will be here in 48 hours. At this point the room in which they are going to sleep has exploded with papers to file and massage equipment for my LMT business which would be more off the ground if the state board would get off their hindquarters and "Give me an L!". I wrote that cheerleader style since the lockout is over and we'll have football now.

This post reads a little like it was written at 4:30 in the morning; mostly because it was written at 4:30 in the morning. You'd think if I didn't write a post but every 6 months I would put a little thought into it as if it would be worth waiting for.

So it's less of a post and more of a slap in the face.


My blog is rarely written upon and makes your face hurt. Subscribe, won't you? This time I promise to post 3x a week.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Bombproof your horse

I found an ad on craigslist by searching the word "massage", which is really not so sketchy since I am in school for massage therapy. It linked to a post listing four books for sale. One of them was interesting:

Since I am a big fan of David Thorne and all of his wonderful email exchanges, I was driven to try my own....

To the anonymous craigslister:
I am interested in the book on equine massage. I'm in massage school, so that one really makes sense as a part of my library.

I am also intellectually interested in the book, "Bombproof Your Horse". Out of a sense of fair play, I feel that I should tell you that I intend to resell the secrets therein to the defense department so that when the cavalry division of the army hits Afghanistan they will be all good. I think I will probably make a profit of approximately 1000 percent with this venture. Possibly more if the bombproofing technology can be adapted for humvees.

But if you could tell me whether these books are still available, we can make an arrangement for payment and exchange.

Lady V

Reply to me

Yes, Both books are still available. Where are you located?

My reply to the craigslister:

I am located in Apollo Beach, but every day I drive to Pinellas Park for school. If either of those locations are convenient for you, that's great. Otherwise we can meet somewhere or I can pay extra through paypal or send you a check and you can mail them to me.

I feel that the possible profit margin from selling bombproofing secrets to the Pentagon would warrant the extra expense. Or perhaps it would be smarter to go contractor and send out some feelers to Halliburton instead? Nevermind. The bombproofing marketing is my responsibility - if you were in the market for managing a bidding war, you would certainly not be selling Bombproof Your Horse for less than half the cover price on craigslist.

Lady V

Reply to me:

I will get the shipping costs for the two books and let you know what the charge will be. I will then let you know and we can go through paypal and I will ship the books to you. I feel that would be best. PLease give me an address I can mail them to. Thanks for your interest.

At this point I would have to give this oblivious idiot my banking info (NO THANKS) and my address (little scary), so I chickened out and stopped emailing. Or, there is the fact that he was unwilling to meet me, so perhaps he thought I was crazy.

Not too far off the mark, there....

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

An obsessive letter to a soup company

So I am so taken with the Escarole vegetable classic soup! I found some randomly at a scratch and dent supermarket, and then scoured the areas actual grocery stores looking for more. To no avail, I might add. Although I am sure you are aware of that, since when I came to look at your website to find out where I might buy some or print a screenshot to prove something to that snide stuck up grocery store manager who I thought had it in for me and my unreasonable requests... it wasn't there. So not only have you eliminated the product, but that mean lady isn't mean after all. So basically my day is kind of wrecked.

If you want to make it up to me, you could unload any spare Escarole soup you have sitting in a warehouse by sending it directly to my house. Obviously I'm not fussy about dates and such, since I was in a scratch and dent supermarket when this whole thing started. I'd pay a reasonable market price, which I figure would be pretty low since if there was a market for the stuff you'd probably still be making it. So if you do have some soup laying around to make my day, please contact me via email and I will forward you my mailing address.

Hurry, since the last can from the scratch and dent supermarket is heating up on the stove now.

I actually sent the above letter. I'll keep you posted

Checking in on the blog

I've been quite busy since Mr V went away. Me and the little guy have been wildly dashing from one activity to another and basically trying to distract each other from the fact that daddy isn't here right now. Mr. V is sort of taken aback by my activity level and depressed that I'm not more depressed and despondent from his absence. I'm a bit sad, it's true, but considering I'm trying to accomplish so much and have so many activities going on, it's not too bad so my strategy is working. I am doing things that Mr V would never never never consider doing, like home improvement projects, and the crowning triumph is the outrageous plan for this Sunday, which is father's day and sure to make me sad unless I take DRASTIC STEPS.

So I am, and my parents are helping, which officially makes them the coolest EVER. We are going to see the "Who's Yo Daddy Father's Day Brunch and All-Star Drag Show" at Streetcar Charlie's.


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Your Tax Dollars At Work - Census Haiku

An empty meadow.
Time to find a neighbor for

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Tales of A Florida Census Worker.... A Haiku

I knock; no answer...
A seasonal resident
Winter birds flew home.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

He's a lumberjack and it's NOT okay.

Okay, this is a secret post that I am not supposed to be writing, for a number of reasons. First of all, I should be paying attention to my training. I have taken a temporary job as an enumerator for the decennial census. I'm going to be one of those people who comes to your door and asks about who lived there on April 1st. Assuming that you missed the billboards, census forms that came to your house, ads in the paper, discussions on the radio, blockbuster ads during the Superbowl, and other valuable uses of our tax dollars.

So I am in training. How is it?

Boring.  It turns out we are going out in the field tomorrow so that  
is a relief. This joker is reading directly out of a manual and he is  
not a talented reader.   I am going to stab myself in the eye with a  
number 2 pencil.  Also, he is a slight dialect speaker, and since  
every sixth word is about a question during a hypothetical interview,  
this man is standing up there with a giant double edged blade wildly  
swinging it from side to side....

"so after you axe mr burns if he lived in unit d, you need to axe him  
about the status of unit a.  Then you will fill out a d-225, and start  
a blank EQ by axing question S1."