An obsessive letter to a soup company

So I am so taken with the Escarole vegetable classic soup! I found some randomly at a scratch and dent supermarket, and then scoured the areas actual grocery stores looking for more. To no avail, I might add. Although I am sure you are aware of that, since when I came to look at your website to find out where I might buy some or print a screenshot to prove something to that snide stuck up grocery store manager who I thought had it in for me and my unreasonable requests... it wasn't there. So not only have you eliminated the product, but that mean lady isn't mean after all. So basically my day is kind of wrecked.

If you want to make it up to me, you could unload any spare Escarole soup you have sitting in a warehouse by sending it directly to my house. Obviously I'm not fussy about dates and such, since I was in a scratch and dent supermarket when this whole thing started. I'd pay a reasonable market price, which I figure would be pretty low since if there was a market for the stuff you'd probably still be making it. So if you do have some soup laying around to make my day, please contact me via email and I will forward you my mailing address.

Hurry, since the last can from the scratch and dent supermarket is heating up on the stove now.

I actually sent the above letter. I'll keep you posted